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“The Root of Memory”

 

There is something bittersweet about learning about someone that you are unsure will stick around. You long for more. More information about who they are, why they are and why they are here. At least, I do. I latch on to the things I know for sure, the moments that make us what we are right then and there and imprint them in my mind. I remember the song playing in the background, the sound of your laugh, and every syllable you spoke. Whether or not this person stays, I love the idea of knowing that person exactly as they are, right there, in that single moment. 

 

The Root of Memory
When you cross-section a tree trunk
You can read its whole history
What it weathered, how it grew
The amount of sunlight that warmed its bark
You can date it back to its first moment
It holds memories of everything it needed

To survive

I believe
If you were to cut my brain in two
It would be filled with the same type of concentric circles
Dating back every relationship
I have ever had
To its conception

The woodwork root of memory I keep close to me
Let’s me know
When someone is important
Sometimes, I know moments will be a memory
As they are happening
Everything moves s l o w l y
Another ring of growth forms

The problem with my brain
Is that these rings move
Round and round
On a loop
Trying to decipher
The age old, most dangerous question

Why?

It is not that I think
I will actually find the answers
To why the people in my life
Are the people in my life
Like extensions of my hands I grip them

Tightly
With memories

I will try to remember everything you ever
Told me
Which makes me sound
Absolutely crazy
I am aware
And maybe when you cut my brain open
It looks more like a puzzle
Or a shitstorm
I am always trying to fill in the missing pieces or
Clean up the mess I think I made
Develop more rings of importance
Quick to forget the most intrinsic part

Time.

Nothing with stable roots grew overnight
In fact there are years
When the earths’ children

Barely

Grow at all

So forgive me

For my carousel dance of wanting to know more
Like a new favourite song
I want to put you on repeat
Memorize you like lyrics

But, humans

Are not always that easy
Memories are merely what I perceive to be
Looping a history that may no longer reflect reality
If you were to cross-section my brain
You would find moving circles made of ivy
Connecting vines to pieces that maybe don’t

Exist at all

Afraid to unfurl and let go.

 

Dani Fallon
@embracingobsession

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